Real

So I've been thinking a lot lately about this little blog. When I first started, it was mostly for our parents and family to keep up with Fischer since we lived so far away. Well, now that we've moved home and they see him and Piper several times a week, it's not so much necessary anymore. I still want to document our kids' lives for our sake since I am horrible at scrapbooking or even putting stuff in their baby books, but I also want to share more of my thoughts. Make this a little more real and honest than just telling what our kids are up to. Let's be honest...I'm sure it gets a little old. They're babies...they do baby stuff. They're cute, we love them...blah blah blah. I'm not even sure anyone reads this, but since my adult conversations are limited these days, and Matt gets tired of listening to me gripe, I need another outlet for my thoughts. And sure, since I'm a stay-at-home mom, most of my thoughts are probably going to be about the ankle biters, but I also want to try to be honest about my struggles and hopefully some of my successes..we'll see about that one. I am probably the farthest you can get to the perfect mom and wife and hopefully I will be able to gain a little insight on how I can serve my children and husband better. So...here goes.

Honestly, I never really wanted to have kids. I wanted a career first of all and I would think about children later...if ever. I was going to be an architect/civil engineer. Well, that all changed my first semester in college. I figured out architecture was not for me. I started to really think about where I wanted to go in my life and was starting to realize that maybe I did want a family. I started looking at different majors. I didn't want to be a teacher (I wasn't good with kids) I really had no idea. I saw the program for social work and thought "Why not?" I switched majors and that is what I have my degree in. Somewhere in there I came to the full realization that I did, in fact, want to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. That was where I was supposed to be.

Matt and I got married and moved to Hobbs. We had not even been married a year and were not ready for kids yet, but I struggled to find a job that I even remotely liked. I ended up working at the Baptist church for over a year, but hated it. Why is it that people in a CHURCH can be so mean and hateful? That's when Matt and I started talking about trying to start a family and I thought "Finally, I can quit working and start doing what I'm meant to do!"

If I’m honest, the main reason I was ready to have kids was because I was tired of working. Staying at home sounded so good to me. I hated my job and it was my excuse to quit. Although deep down, I knew I was called to be a stay-at-home mom, I really didn’t feel like I would be good at it. I have never been good with kids, and never really WANTED to be around them. That sounds bad, but I wasn’t one of those girls who always jumped at the chance to babysit or ran up to babies ooing and ahhing about how cute they were. I wasn’t one of those women who wanted desperately to have children. I was scared to death about becoming a mom. I knew NOTHING. I had never changed a dirty diaper. I babysat only a handful of times. Kids scared me.

So it comes as no surprise that as soon as we starting “trying”, which was basically not protecting against it, we got pregnant. And thus began my “job”. Fischer was definitely not an “easy” baby. He was a horrible nurser and refused to nap during the day. Once we started him on formula at 3 months, he became a different baby. He was easy to take care of. I finally “got” being a mom.

It was going great until….Piper came along. I never could have imagined how hard adding another kid would be. Add in Fischer’s age and penchant for temper tantrums and the fact that we didn't have a house, were living with Matt's parents.....I officially became the Worst Mom Ever. Now I never did anything that CPS would want to know about, but I for sure lost my temper and yelled at Fischer for stupid stuff more than I would like to admit.

Now that Piper has reached that magic 3-month age and things are getting easier with her (and we are in our own house), I look back and am ashamed at how badly I failed as a mother. Hopefully I haven’t scarred Fischer for life. I still lose my cool every day, but am really trying to be better. My kids deserve better. I tell myself this every day. The only way I can do that is with Grace. Without it, I fail. Miserably. The only way I even made it through those 3 months was grace. I remind myself to extend grace to Fischer when he throws a fit or makes a mess. I am in desperate need of grace myself every single second as a mom and I have never been more thankful for it. I’m also not going to lie and say that my relationship with God has been awesome. I have failed at that as well. God pretty much only hears from me when I am about to pull my hair out. Granted that’s every single day, but it’s not enough. To be a better mother, I know I need to be a better follower of Christ. I have a lot of work to do. And hopefully keeping this “journal” will help me get there. This time in my life is so hard, but also so precious and I don't want to look back with regrets. I want to be the wife and mother God has called me to be, not the impatient, frazzled excuse for a mom (and wife) I have been lately. I know I'm probably being a little hard on myself. My kids are fed, bathed, and taken care of. But I want more for them. I want them to have a loving, kind, patient, and gentle mother. And I can't do it on my own. God is starting something in me and I have to get it out in writing. This is the ugly part. This is the part I want to look back on and say "Look how far I've come." So I'm just being truly honest. My posts won't always be this depressing, but from now on, I hope this little blog becomes more real.